ASK EMMA

The Dangerous Game, Part 1

2008-03-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

Hey. We hope all is well with you guys; we've been enjoying your blog for some time now, and we at least wanted to say 'thanks' for that much. We're glad you stuck with the decision to continue on with the blog after your move from Japan. We all go through wanings and peaks of interest, so we know how a valley can seem epic in depth and length until you finally see the horizon.

I guess we had some questions, if you had the ability and interest to answer them. Before we get to that, some information is probably in order. At play, we are a switch couple. We get into many activities, including humiliation, pain on occasion, age play, etc. Our normal everyday operation is basically as Daddy and Baby Girl, but there are times where the roles reverse. One of the ways I enjoy being dominated is cuckolding. I find the humiliation epic and intense, as I'm sure you guys do as well.

We are currently 28 and 27 years old. When we were 22 and 21, we were married. We stayed that way for a couple years, didn't talk for three years, divorced, and then almost immediately began talking and dating again. Literally within two days of the finalization of the divorce.

There were myriad reasons for our split, but a major reason was the cuckolding activities we began. It was amazing and breathtaking for me (I, Greg, am the typist at the moment) to watch my wife be fucked by a man with a penis that put mine to shame. lol

But as she began to think about it, and as our communication broke down, she began to feel like I didn't care about her because I allowed her to sleep with other men...hell, encouraged it. That was of course far from the truth, and she was always the center of my attention as I deepened my submission to her. But her youthful mind couldn't grasp that, and the shame of her actions took too great a toll. She left me for the man she was cuckolding me with, of course, and he put her through hell as is the way with young lost girls much of the time.

When we first got back together, we agreed that cuckolding was just not an option. It wasn't for us, and little or nothing could change that. But of course now the fantasy and remembrances of our experiences before have creeped up, and here we are thinking about it somewhat regularly again. Maybe me moreso than her, but both nonetheless.

We feel like we're wiser and have a much stronger relationship. We think we can make it work, but we're just...scared.

I guess any advice you could offer regarding what needs to happen in such an arrangement would be enlightening. I mean, of course it's an interest of mine, but I certainly wouldn't ever want to lose her again over a fetish. She's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with...to submit to, and to have submit to me.

She's just reticent given our history, and I can't say I blame her. But goddamn do we want it.

Let us know what you think, and if you have any advice given your vast experience.

We look forward to hearing from you. And thanks again for the blog. Amazing stuff.

Anon

Hi Anon,

First, let me say thanks for all the great things you say about us and the blog. I really need to hear that sometimes.

You and other readers probably know that I am a really practical and straight-forward gal. Given your situation, you might be expecting me to say, "Didn't you learn your lesson? Come on. Clearly this territory is too dangerous for you." And to a certain degree that is a big part of my advice. You have been through the experience (losing your loved one because of the fetish) that most people dread and fear (and some fantasize about) and you always have to keep in mind that it is possible.

But I don't know that I honestly think it is MORE possible to "lose" your partner to another person because you play at cuckolding. People who don't play extreme games lose partners all the time. All kinds of people break up and divorce and I don't know that there is any evidence that kinky people break up more easily or often than non-kinky folks.

My guess (especially given the way things turned out) is that you lost your partner not to the other guy but to or because of your fetish. Your partner sounds like she may have been willing but perhaps not really ready for the emotions that come along with this game and you probably were pushing things (I'm guessing here but most guys are way more obsessed with this fantasy than the women involved).

Also, oh my god, you were so young! Scott and I got together when I was only 22 and started playing kinky from the start but we didn't get to cuckolding until we'd been together for something like 8 years. We took a couple years just playing at all different kinds of things until we kind of realized that femdom was what worked for both of us. When we finally got to cuckolding, we felt pretty rock-solid as a couple but we still went through some crappy experiences. I personally got so fed-up with the whole thing that I thought I'd never do it again (more to do with the wide array of idiots and freaks available as partners than the actual fetish).

One of the things that really rang true to me from your letter is what you said about your partner: But as she began to think about it, and as our communication broke down, she began to feel like I didn't care about her because I allowed her to sleep with other men...hell, encouraged it.

I think this doesn't make any sense to guys with this fetish and doesn't exactly make logical sense when you think it through but this is how this fantasy makes lots of women feel. You feel like there is something wrong with you or inadequate. Like your partner wants you to do these things because he's dissatisfied with you or he doesn't really love you. Also, there's an incredible sense of vulnerability that comes with it. You have to put yourself out there to be judged as a sexual being again when you thought you'd taken yourself out of that game by getting married.

So now you are back together and surprise, surprise this same fetish is coming up. The reason I won't tell you to just STOP is because I don't think you'll be able to. I do think that cuckolding is a fetish you don't have the right to expect an unwilling partner to participate in. Some sex things are pretty darn normal and you have the right in a relationship to say, "Hey, I like blowjobs and there's nothing wrong with them so can we work on getting them happening in our sex-life?" Cuckolding is not one of those things.

This is where I think you and your partner have to be really REALLY honest with each other. Does she really want to do this? Is she really interested? If your wife really doesn't want to do this and is just doing it to make you happy, then you are probably setting yourself up for trouble again. Certain things in your letter suggest that you are way more motivated by this than she is. Did she actually have fun when you did it? You've got to be honest about it with each other and YOU have to be ready to deal with her real answer.

If she says that she really doesn't want to do this, then you are going to have to back off. What you have to say is, "This really turns me on but I understand that you don't want to do it. I would like to be able to talk dirty during about it and fantasize about it with you but all with the understanding that I know you don't want to do it and that we aren't planning on doing it for real." Then you have to do exactly that. Put it in the realm of fantasy and try to manage it that way.

If after you talk about it, she says that she thinks she might like to try it -- GO SLOW. Go really slow. There are so many ways to play at this game before you even get to the actual sex part. Go to a bar and watch her flirt or dance. Watch movies with her favorite actor and then have sex after talking about her fucking that guy. Have her create a fantasy where she seduces her favorite actor and tells you what he does to her. Have her share her favorite past fucks in detail. Encourage her to go out with her girlfriends for a girls' night out and then think about how she's out there and guys are looking at her and wanting her.

Do everything you can think of EXCEPT the actual fucking part and every time you do something, fuck her brains out and tell her how hot she is and how much you love fucking her. Some of the hottest sex Scott and I have is when we are talking and thinking about cuckolding rather than actually doing it. We just talk really dirty and nasty and get each other worked up. If you can do that regularly, then you are moving towards a time that this whole thing is about YOUR SEXUAL relationship. That's the key. You keep it about you and her not about her and the other guy. If it's not about you and her, I think it does become a dangerous game.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps. Please comment and we can discuss things further if you like.
best,
Emma

ASK EMMA 5

2007-11-22T02:42:00.001-08:00

Hi Emma and scott,

My wife and I love your blog and hope you continue to write even through the big life changes you are currently making and we hope it all goes well for you.

We are 38 and have been together since we were teenagers.

We aspire to live a life similar to yours and have been using a chastity belt for some years now. After some starting troubles I now have a secure and comfortable MsLori tube which is 100% effective for us.

I have noticed that after being denied for weeks I stop getting hard in the night and my libido drops and that affects my service. The whole D/s dynamic with my wife starts to fail as I lose the urge to cum. I am pretty sure it's not a medical problem of any kind, it just seems to be a reaction to the intense play.

Have you experienced this effect in Scott and how do you get through it?

The only way we have found is to take the belt off for several weeks and try and get me used to cumming everyday again but even this isn't really working now.
dave

Just wanted to clarify -- after you are in denial for a time and then your wife lets you out, you actually can't cum? And it takes some time to work back up to cumming easily? Is that correct? We just want to be sure we understand the situation completely before responding.
Emma

Hi Emma,
Sorry my mail wasn't very clear.

I can certainly cum after release, and then again within a short time but by the next day my libido drops dramatically and for many days or a couple of weeks. I don't get hard or even feel like wanting it to.

It seems that the more intense the teasing and denial the longer and deeper the period when I don't feel like sex much.

It's like some extra Newtonian law of "equal and opposite reactions" :-)

I am sure nothing is anything is broken, it just seems like a natural body reaction that others may have experienced.

dave

Hi Dave,

Well first let me say thanks for being patient about a response. Things are hectic and though I've been meaning to respond to your letter for a long time, I just haven't gotten the chance until now.

I think one of the things that Scott and I have really learned with everything and particularly chastity play is that you have to put who you really are in line with how you play. I mean this both psychologlically and physically. As you play more and more, you learn more about your body and your sex drive. You have to adjust your play accordingly.

One of the main things I notice about Scott is that after he's been in chastity a while, and especially if there is a lot of teasing and arousal but no orgasms for him (my favorite game), is that he starts to become a pest. He starts pawing me a lot more (if we are in bed he'll be fondling me and begging for some kind of attention all the time) and he gets to a point were he starts talking about sex constantly. This is, of course, is pretty natural but I find it annoying. So I have to start thinking about how much I want to deal with it and do I want to let him cum just to stop it.

I think getting really intensely aroused and cumming and then not being interested for a while seems pretty normal. We (both of us) go through periods in which we aren't interested in sex as much and that's often after we gone through a pretty intense period. I do notice that Scott's interest level goes down after he's cum but maybe just not to the degree that you are talking about. Perhaps you use up more sexual energy or something or maybe you get intensely satiated. Who knows why it happens.

I'd guess that if you can cum regularly when you are out of chastity that there isn't a physical issue but it's about the game. So you just have to adjust your play to accomodate that. Think about how you can make the most of your play while taking this reality into account. If it doesn't bother either of you to take a break after a long play period then that might work.

Or maybe you could shorten the time you are in chastity and cum more often. See if shorter periods fits your rythmn better. Maybe cumming more at random would work. Your wife might take you out everyday and jack you off to orgasm and then put you right back in and do the same thing everyday for a week and then deny you for a week. Maybe your body is "learning" the up and down cycle that exists now and if you shake things up, it will respond differently.

If what is happening now seems to create problems for you, then definitely try different things until you think you have something you can both live with.

You don't have to follow anybody else's rules or goals. I'm not saying you are doing that but it's just so easy to read stuff on the internet that someone claims to be doing and think that's what you should be doing to or that's how your body and mind should react. It's really about finding out what works for you and what makes you have the most fun.

One thing that works for us is a lot of teasing to get Scott back into a frenzy after he has cum. Are you able to get an erection in those down periods? If not, this might not work. Is there any discomfort or pain with the tube when you are aroused? That might be impacting how your body reacts to arousal.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts on the subject. I don't know that any of that helps you. Feel free to respond in the comments if you want to continue the exchange.
Best,
Emma

Scott's Response to Ask Emma #4

2007-07-20T03:07:00.000-07:00

Hi,
Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you with my side of things. Em was pretty thorough in her answer. I'll just try to add some detail from my side of things.

I first encountered chastity devices (CDs) years ago through Tammad Rimilia's chastity belt site. Tammad had apparently already died but the page was still up. It seems to be gone now. Too bad. He seemed to be a very sincere guy on a kind of spiritual journey through his kinks. His site was full of personal experience, photos and erotica that got me really worked up about teasing/denial and chastity. From Tammad I found the holy grail of information, Altairboy's site.

At that period of our relationship, Em just gave me a sidelong glance, lumping this with all my other momentary obsessions, wondering how much all this might cost.

In the end, it cost a lot. One of the negatives in chastity play is that getting set up is expensive and nothing works quite as well on your body as the manufacturer's hypes promise they will.

We've gone through three Neosteel belts and settled on the one we both find works the best. Belts are the best, in terms of security but they are a hard thing to wear if you lead a normal or active daily life. The most I've been able to do is a week in the Neosteel before either some abrasion or genuine fatigue interferes.

The Curve has been the best for long-term wear but, as Em pointed out, it's not secure in terms of cumming. The vents allow you to get stuff inside that stimulates: water jets, Q-tips, etc. Doesn't take long for a horny guy to find a way. Also, out of the box, the Curve was too big for me. At the time, there was a guy in Atlanta that did modifications, so mine is shorter now and the pins are metal. The little thing may not prevent cumming but it's very confining and certainly prevents fucking (that other aspect of being denied) and does, to some degree, make cumming less pleasurable. I can wear this 24/7/365. That's a design acheivement. The similar CB3k and the new CB6k look like winners.

We tried a Lori Tube but she was a pain in the ass to deal with and turnaround times were so slow that it drove you crazy. Then, on top of that, nothing worked and the device was so heavy that my old very stable piercings began tearing. All I could do with the thing was use it as a paper weight. Eventually, we sold it.

Then I discovered Gerecke, a metal craftsman in Germany, that made a tube that seemed to combine the best of the Curve and Lori designs. It is my favorite device. I can wear it comfortably under my clothes around town and it is very secure. But I get abrasions behind my balls if my sac starts getting tight and then it has to come off. Again, I've made it about a week.

What I haven't explained is all the times I had to send stuff back to the various manufacturers for little adjustments, fine-tunings, replacement parts, etc. A lot of waiting and extra expense.

Still, Em and I really enjoy chastity play and I spend as much time as possible locked up. Less now due to having a toddler around the house. We're more relaxed about it. Sometimes I'm in, sometimes I'm out. Em gets horny and wants me to fuck her, so she lets me out. She calls the shots as it should be. I get more than my share of kicks.

As Em has pointed out, she gets off on the power over me, using it to frustrate me sexually and to get me to do stuff. I love being deep in the trippy space of denied submission, rubbing her feet, licking her pussy. The longer you're in, the less you want to cum. You crave cumming, of course, but you build up all this Tantric energy and after a while you begin to realize that cumming would just blow it. Then there's all the pleasure the Mistress gets.

The chastity/cuckolding combo is pure sex dynamite. We pretty much always need me locked for a while before Em does something special. I was locked up in the Neosteel belt when Em went to the happening bar with The Marine and that had a very powerful effect on me.

I find that chastity/teasing & denial teach a guy how vital foreplay is to a woman. Chastity is like foreplay. When Em finally lets me cum, the emotional as well as physical release is often overwhelming.

Chastity puts your ability to cum in your partner's hands, truly tipping the power dynamic in the keyholder's direction. Em really began feeling an addictive surge of power over me when she took that first key. It has unquestionably deepend my submission to her. Maybe being older has something to do with it. I would say that it's more of a psychological than a physical thing.

Femdom/male chastity/cuckolding is the dynamic that Em and I have grown into. This troika carries us to intense sexual highs and has made our sex life more intimate and way hot. I highly recommend that you and your wife give it a try.

Em is right about how power works on a woman's mind once the reality of it sets in. Go ahead, give your wife the key. I dare you.

POSTED BY scott

Ask Emma 4

2007-07-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Emma,

My wife is prepared to play along (and enjoys) with certain games
including "forced chastity" and "flirting with pretend cuckolding".
However, I have never had the balls (pun intended) to "hand over the
keys" permanently. The longest I have managed in a proper CB (an
Exobelt) is 102 hours (just over 4 days). She enjoys things like
facesitting when I'm locked up, which she doesn't usually want, but
most of the time she takes advantage by giving me more DIY tasks and
chores to do.

After 2-3 days of being teased, denied and locked up (combined with
her giving orders), I go mad with frustration and the game ends !! As
you wrote on your main site, ultimately 'control' is consensual, and
I'm not very good at consenting long term. Equally my wife is not very
good at denying me long term. She says it makes her feel "less
feminine" if she stops me topping from the bottom.

The idea of Scott going six months without release is incredible.
Equally, the thought that you could steel yourself to make him wait
that long is exciting. I would love to know both his thoughts and
yours once his denial gets into a few weeks and months. What is his
state of mind ? What is yours ? Does Scott think he could have handled
such a wait when he was younger (say in his 20s-30s) ? Do you find it
easier or harder to deny him now compared with when you first tried
it. Is chastity intrinsically linked to cuckolding for you both or
would you enjoy the chastity game even if you didn't cuckold ? Would
you enjoy cuckolding Scott if he was free to jerk off or is it a
necessity for you both that he has to suffer the double humiliation?

Many thanks.

Thanks a lot for this interesting quesion. I'm going to answer first and then I'll have scott answer in the next post. First off I think I would ask, Why do you want to go longer? Are you both happy with short chastity play? It seems like you do a lot of bedroom play and a little femdom household play. If that makes you both happy, then I would think that's good enough.

The fact that you are asking suggests that maybe you have a fanscination with longer play. When we did the six months, we were deep in a 24/7 femdom time that lasted almost a year in total. We were doing lots of daily rituals and play at that time and there was lots of "other" sex like oral. I would say, however, that I wouldn't be likely to do it again anytime soon.

I like chastity a lot. I think chastity is one of those games that truly puts the woman in control of things. That works for me. What doesn't work for me (something I had to learn by trying it) is arbitrary limits and rules. At the time we starting in chastity most of the things we were reading about it were people who were doing long-term denial so that became a focus. I think scott could/would more easily go into a long-term denial situation again than I would.

I don't like setting goals like "6 months." I prefer to say, "I have the key and let's see what I feel like doing." If I want to fuck him tomorrow, I do. If I don't want to have anything to do with him for a month, then I don't. I like to have control and the choice to do what I want, when I want. I really enjoy intercourse with scott. For me, it is a really important part of our sex life so I want to be able to do that when I feel like it. To me that's true femdom: the woman doing what she wants when she wants without having to negotiate about it.

I also don't feel that cuckolding "replaces" the sex that scott and I have. In fact recently, more often than not, I really want to fuck scott after fucking someone else. It's always really hot and intense with him after.

In terms of mindset, I think the devotion factor gets much much higher in long term denial with a sub. The idea that nothing is going to result in sexual release for the sub really changes the dynamics of how you play and the attitude of the sub. That part of things I enjoy a lot: just doing things for the sake of doing them and never worrying about whether scott is enjoying them on a sexual level.

I think we would both enjoy chastity without cuckolding. When we did 6 months I was NOT cuckolding him so it was very different than the kind of thing we do now. Chastity is much easier for both of us now emotionally but physically true long-term chastity is difficult. The Curve and other CB2000 type products are good for long-term games but like many people, scott found that he could get himself off while wearing it. Even though it is not that easy for him to orgasm with it on, it kind of reduced the impact of the device because scott could cum.

We tried a lot of other devices. We have a neosteel belt and a gerecke tube. Both which scott can't cum in but both of which are more difficult for long-term wear because of abrasion. We've recently been trying to work up to longer denial with these devices but after a few days there always seems to be some physical issue. So we try to switch off between devices. It's also harder to use some devices for long term because we live in such small quarters with a little kid. He can't really be wearing a neosteel belt and taking a two year old to the park or have her climbing on him.

I much prefer cuckolding when I know that scott is locked up. It's just more fun. It's not more sexual for me. It's more POWERFUL! I love knowing that he can't do anything by himself while I am doing EVERYTHING I want with someone else. I think that really works for him too.

I don't know if age plays a factor for scott. He's got a reasonably high sex drive. I think attitude when he was younger would have been the issue, fighting against the true control of a woman. I think all guys would be surprised at how if they were in chastity their wives wouldn't be as concerned about the sex part but would be really into the service part (like your wife giving you DIY tasks).

I don't know if I have really answered all your questions here but I'll have scott answer in another post. One thing I thought that was a little unusual in your question was the part where you said it makes your wife feel less feminine to really take charge. Is she just doing it for you? Or is she more of a sub and you switch?

I think it's fine for you to "top from the bottom" so to speak if that works for both of you. But overall it might be more satisfying in the long run for her to really start getting what she wants and not what she thinks you want. You both might surprise each other with what you can get up to that way.

Ask Emma 3

2007-07-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

Hi Emma,

You may remember that we chatted for a long time me, M, told you that I want my wife to cuckold me but she doesn't want. I told you that I want her to cuckold me with her previous boyfriend, V, who is 40. She is also 40.

When we were going out I allowed her to make love to him many times and I even ate all the cum he left in her a few times when she returned home. Once I returned from work early in the morning and went to pick her up at 7am at his house. She came and we went to a hotel and when I undressed her she had dried cum stains on her belly and a red spot where he had sucked her on her nable. I was excited and made love to her there and then lying on his dried sperm. She was well up to it then and we enjoyed many months of it.

One night he wanted her to go and spend the night with him but I was with her. She asked permission but I told her that I wanted her tonight but would allow her to spend until midnight with him and I will pick her up. She agreed and I drove her to his house but he insisted he wanted her all night or none at all. He asked me up and I told him that she could stay till midnight but he refused. Since then he has never called again and it went quiet.

That was from 1989-1990. I suspect she has had meetings with him thereafter and told her about it but she has denied it although I told her it was ok to tell me. I keep asking her over and over to do it taking breaks so she does not detest me. I then revived it again for her in 2000 with a doctor who she told me that has been telling her sweet words. He is very fat and she said that she did not think that she would like that.

Then came what I thought was my opportunity. Her first boyfriend went to her work and told her that he wanted her. She said told him that she would ask me first thinking that would send him away. She did and I told her that I was excited about it but that she and him needed to be discreet and went to lengths telling her how to make it look innocent. I would drive with her to a expensive hotel and let her slip away and pick her up. She appeared very excited and after a week she told me that she is wondering if that is what I really wanted. I told her yes. When he came back a few days after she told her yes but he had to get a room in the hotel. He said that he would not do that because it was too expensive and she got turned off saying that I have taken her there on no special occassion and he has refused. He blew it.

Lately I told her that I still wanted and she told me that if that happenned she will have to choose the man because she will have to open her legs. That excited me. I even called her V for her to talk to him but he was not there. I am trying but to no avail. I have sent emails to V using her email address telling him how much she wants him and he is saying that it is not right etc although he would want it she is married and he should stay out. I am wondering if I am losing the battle. Is there still hope you think?

I am hereby asking you to send her an email telling her that I have chatted to you and that you are in that lifestyle and how you and your husband cope with it. Tell her the good things about the lifestyle and how to cope with the problems that may arise. Tell her that we cuckolds do not stop loving our wives but just love to share them especially if their lover's had a big cock. Please be very graphic and honest with her as I want you to help me get her into bed with another man. Please help this desperate cuck. Her name is S. and her email is SXXXXX@yahoo.com.

Affectionately Yours,
M

Hi M,

Thanks for letting me use your letter as part of Ask Emma. I know you were basically looking for support and encouragement from me so let me just say upfront that you'll probably be disappointed with what I have to say. You might just want to stop reading now.

I thought a lot about your detailed story and whether or not it was real. Because it is so detailed and complicated I suspect at least some of it is real. If it is indeed true, then you don't want me writing to your wife! Trust me!

You called her old boyfriend to try to convince him to fuck her?

You used her email account to write to him?

You want me (a total stranger) to write to her and try to convince her to cuckold you?

Do these things seem normal to you? They don't to me.

If I were a friend of your wife, I would be asking her why she hadn't dumped you yet for being a manipulative jerk who thinks she is a sex toy.

You have NO RIGHT to EXPECT that she will cuckold you. This is an EXTREME fantasy. If she doesn't want to do it, then back off. Leave her alone.

You wrote me this letter after chatting with me ONCE. Why? Do you think cuckolding is a religion and I am trying convert women to it? Why would I care if your wife cuckolds you? Why would I try to help you manipulate her to do something she doesn't want to do? How would that be a good thing to do?

In the beginning she played a bit with this game. That was a LONG TIME ago and she was young and you weren't married. It ended because you decided that you needed to give her a curfew. You decided you needed CONTROL of the situation so you said, Okay but you have to be home by 12. Who are you? Her father? It is not up to you or her ex. It should be up to HER.

She is absolutely right about the hotel. YOU BLEW IT! Not her ex.

How romantic you are! "Oh baby, I want you to fuck your ex in this swank hotel so I can get my rocks off but I wouldn't dream of actually PAYING for the hotel room. Your lover should do that. And I would never take you to an expensive hotel myself say for your birthday or anniversay, just when I want you to fuck your ex while I jack myself off."

I'm sure you aren't (or at least I hope you aren't) after her all the time about this but from what you write I would think she's not real happy about your on-going requests for this fantasy.

She's told you she might do it if she meets the right guy and decides herself. THAT IS GREAT! You have no business to ask for or expect more.

If you love this woman, let her choose the guy to cuckold you with WHEN and IF SHE WANTS! Otherwise, leave her alone about it.

Emma

Ask Emma 2

2007-06-28T04:54:00.000-07:00

Three questions?

1. Does hurting Scott turn you on sexually?

2. Do you get any kind of turn on or power from his denial?

3. Have you read the posts at my blog...Cuckold-Husband?
(you have linked it to your site.)

Jim (aka bdenied)

Hi Jim,

Thanks for your questions.

1. Hurting scott absolutely turns me on sexually. I can get really wet from whipping and torturing him. I don't think it was always like this. In the beginning, I think it was more like a game that I enjoyed but now it totally turns me on. I don't know if this is just habit (linking hurting him to sex) or if I just developed more as a domme.

2. For me denial with chastity is an amazing mental game. I don't get physicially turned on but I get immense emotional and mental DELIGHT from denying him. It's like a wicked kind of entertainment. I love, when he is particularly turned on, to kiss and fondle him and get him all worked up and then tell him to get away from me and go to sleep.

3. I spend a lot of time on computers for my work, my own writing (non-blog) and the blog so I tend not to spend my other leisure time on computers. Scott is an avid blog reader (and anything sex-related on the net reader) and when he finds things he likes or thinks I'd be interested in, he prints them for me. Right at the moment, I haven't been reading much of anything because I have a deadline with work.

We linked to your blog because when we first looked at it, it seemed interesting and up our alley. I haven't looked at it recently but if you are in our blogroll it means yours if one we go to first when looking around at stuff. In the summer when work slows, I'll probably be a more active poster and reader.

Best,
Emma

Ask Emma 1

2007-06-25T00:20:00.001-07:00

Hello Emma,

Here's a question for you.

My girlfriend and I have tried anal a few times, and she really does not like it. The first two times we did it, she got extremely wet, and as she is the girl I want to settle down with, I thought I had it made.

The next few times after that, she hated it.

Same deal with blow jobs, she does them very rarely, and as a chore.

How can I make these things enjoyable for her, so we can do it more often?

Thanks,
John

Hi John,

Thanks for being the first person to ask me a question here.

First let me say I like that fact that you said, “How can I make these things enjoyable for her.” I know that ultimately you want to get these things because they are enjoyable for you but I think a lot of times women forget that most guys do want them to have a good time as well. You don’t want her to NOT have a good time. You want both to get what you want and for her to have a good time.

I think a lot depends on what kind of girl we are talking about. Are you hoping she’ll begin to like these things but she doesn’t care? Or does she also want to enjoy them? Does she think to herself, “Gee, I wish I could enjoy BJs more but I just don’t?” Those are two very different women.

I personally think that blowjobs are standard sex and if you’ve got a girl who won’t do that she may have some sex hang-ups. My observation with sex hang-ups is that they get worse not better the deeper you get into a marriage. Has she told you exactly why she doesn’t like blowjobs? Is it something specific or just I don’t like them? Can you talk to her about sex? Do you perform oral sex on her regularly?

I would start by telling her you really love her and want to be with her and you really find her hot and sexy and want to have a hot sex life with her for a long time. I might even ask her how important she thinks sex is to your relationship and whether or not she orgasms regularly with the things you do and what you might be able to do to make sex more pleasurable for her in general.

Then tell her you’ve been wondering about this area with the BJs and want to know what it is that she doesn’t like. If she’s accepting oral from you regularly and not giving it back, I’d say that’s a bit unfair. You haven’t said you are in a dom/sub relationship so I am going to assume that you aren’t (if you were the whole thing would be different).

Then, I would tell her that to your really enjoy blowjobs and want to see if together you can find a way to bring more of that kind of thing into your sex life. Personally, I would advise giving her a lot of really good oral for a while before trying to have this conversation. If you aren’t giving oral, then you, of course, have no business expecting her to do it for you.

Then, if we are talking about a girl who wants to try to enjoy these things I would start with a kind of sex game. Tonight is her night and she can tell you what to do to her/for her and you can’t think about your own pleasure.

The next night it is your turn. I wouldn’t ask her to give you a real blowjob. Obviously it’s not that easy. I would just ask her to kiss it and maybe lick it and then make love to her.

You can kind of keep playing at that game getting deeper and deeper into a real blowjob, with you telling her the things you like. Try to keep your testosterone in check and don’t ask too much. Also, really try to get at the heart of what she doesn’t like. If she doesn’t like you cumming in her mouth, then you have to consider if that’s really necessary for you. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t.

I think really talking as a part of playing is important. You don’t want to sit and have all these serious conversations at the dinner table. You want to have them in your bed naked, getting to know each other’s bodies. If your partner is someone who doesn’t want to talk to you about sex or you can’t really bring yourself to talk about these things in a matter-of-fact way, then your problem isn’t getting her to do these things, it’s communication.

As for anal, well, I’m not sure you can actually call it “regular” sex nor do I think you should necessarily expect every woman to do it but I do think it is fairly commonplace these days. A bad experience with it can really make you up-tight and being up-tight is about the worst thing you can be for anal sex.

Again, what didn’t she like? What was different between the first times and the other times? Was it painful? Dirty? Just uncomfortable? She didn’t/couldn’t get off? Was it part of regular sex or did you do it on its own?

The picture at the top of this post is the ex-vibrator that I use for myself to get ready for anal sex. It is a vibrator that broke many years ago but it is totally smooth and made of a kind of soft plastic material that really gives.

Control and arousal are really the keys for anal. She’s got to be IN TOTAL CONTROL of things for a LONG time. The best way to do that is a smooth dildo that she uses herself.

I would recommend something smaller than what you see above to start. Don’t touch it yourself. Let her do whatever she wants with it while you do HER FAVORITE thing, whatever that is. Don’t push her. Just use it as part of regular play until she is enjoying anal play more. Then you can maybe try fingers.

Toys in general are a lot less comfortable than an actual penis. They are usually hard. STAY AWAY from anything with ridges or that tries to look like a penis. You want something totally smooth with some give to it.

Lots of LUBE, by the way! I highly recommend J-Lube from Mr. S. If you want info/products for anal sex, you go to the gay guys. They are experts.

I also recommend that you use enemas before any kind of anal play. It makes things cleaner and more comfortable.

Finally, USE A VIBRATOR while she’s playing with something in her ass. The clitoris is the center of the UNIVERSE for the female orgasm (you know that, right?). Don’t expect her to love anal on its own. She most likely won’t. But what she might find is that anal play and a vibrator on her clit gives her a really intense orgasm.

I’ve talked a lot about talking in this post. I think I can’t say enough that talking is the key to this kind of thing. If you can’t talk or she can’t talk about these things, I wouldn’t expect that your sex life would improve over time. But if you can sort this kind of thing out now, if the two of you can, as a couple, learn how to communicate openly and straight-forwardly about sex, you’ll be well on your way to a long adventurous sex life.

Best,
Emma Kelly

PS: Feel free to get back to me with thoughts, questions, and/or clarification.

What's This Blog About?

2007-06-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know anything. Let me make that clear before I go any further. I'm not a therapist or doctor. I have no degrees (unless you have a question about literature in which I do have an advanced degree and love to go on about).

I'm not trying to set myself up as an expert about anything (except my own mind and body).

But occassionally I get emails from people who want my opinion about something and though I'd like to answer, I don't have the time to answer each person individually about their life.

Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse (my original blog) is about my sexual adventures and I don't want to start answering questions there. So I decided to add this blog as a kind of forum for me to respond to people who care what I think.

I expect the number of people who care what I think is pretty small, so I imagine this blog will be slow but if you write to me at mrsemmak@gmail.com and put ASK EMMA in the subject heading, you'll see your email reposted here with my response. You can also simply post a question here in the comments section.

Feel free to ask anything, including something you want to know about me. The only thing I promise is that I'll tell you what I would tell my friends if they were asking me the same thing.